Jumbled Thoughts // I Will Not Give Up, Neither Should You

Hey Friends,

I hope all of you have been doing well. Today was a pretty good day. My sister came home for the weekend, and my whole family and I went to church in the morning together which we haven't done in a long time. At service my pastor shared his testimony about his 3 year struggle with severe anxiety and how God has not only slowly healed him but has taught him a great deal of what it means to fix your gaze on Christ. It was a great service and I haven't felt moved to tears during service like the way I did today in a long time. I then treated my brother and sister out for breakfast which was fun, my siblings and I haven't really had quality time with each other because of the business of our schedules so it was nice to have that time together today. Then the rest of the day has been me attempting to study (lol). After service, I couldn't get my mind off of my own mental health, and wondering how God plans to use my up and down journey to pull me into a more intimate relationship with him. As I was thinking about this, the honesty, transparency and advice that I choose to display on this blog ran through my head.

If you have been following my blog for awhile, you know that I am a 100% advocate for mental health and I always do my best to encourage all of you to seek help when you are going through a difficult season mentally and/or emotionally. Unfortunately I feel like I try and be an encouragement to my friends and anyone in need as much as I can, but when it comes to myself, I am my own worse enemy. I remember when I was living at school, I was seeing a school therapist once a week but then I just stopped, cause life got to busy. Though I would write and encourage all of you and say things like "your mental health is a priority" or " remember how loved you are and that there are people who care for you" yet I have struggled in accepting those truths for myself.

"I want to inspire people and be someone many can look up to"

Here is the thing, I am so adamant about wanting to be an influencer online, I want to inspire people and be someone that many can look up to that I forget that if there are things that I am struggling with personally I need to be attentive to those struggles as well before I can truly be of help to others. I'm not saying that you need to be prefect before you can inspire others, but I guess what I am really trying to say is that when I put out a post for all of you to read whether it is about friendships, love, life advice of any kind, please know that I am most definitely preaching to myself as well because I definitely need the reminder just as much as all of you do.
It is not easy, and I know it is not easy to make an appointment with a total stranger and tell them all the things going on in your head. That is probably the main reason why I did therapy for a short period of time and then stopped, because even though the professional was very helpful, I would always cringe at the fact that I am going to someone who barely knows anything about me and telling them some of my secret struggles.

The reason why I am discussing this is because this past Thursday for the first time in a long time I cried to one of my friends in the car as we were heading home. I opened up to her about how my struggle with suicidal ideation started creeping back up again and I feel myself going back to an old cycle. When I finished opening up to her and as she was encouraging me through prayer, she also said the importance of seeking professional help. As she was talking to me I started thinking about all of you, everyone who reads my blog and how I felt like a hypocrite because I tell all of you one thing but I do not do it for myself half of the time. Nevertheless, that changes today, I am not giving up and neither should you. I am going to be seeing a counselor at my school at least once a week from now on. I am also going to cling on to a bible verse that always seems to run through my head after rough times; " For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind" ( 2 Timothy 1:7)

My thoughts were every where in this post, but I hope the point and reassurance that I was trying to make came across right, let me know in the comments if you understood my jumbled thoughts haha! 

Remember God loves you and I love you! 
Until next time :) 

Nikki O. 


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