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Suicidal Thoughts: My Hope Is In "2 Corinthians 12:9"


To the average person it doesn't make sense. How can someone want to die when death is usually  something a person fears or avoids?
How can one actually be contemplating a possible way to take their own lives? In some ways it sounds completely bizarre.

But it is a Reality.

For so many people young and old, suicidal contemplation or even the complete act of commiting suicide has poisoned multitudes of generations. I can not help but think who else struggles internally with these thoughts. Who else is ashamed that when things get difficult, overwhelming or painful the only thing their mind reverts to is a overplayed image of ways they can take their life.





I scare myself at times, because I have contemplated suicide at my most low moments, to say I have not tried it more than once in my past would be lying to you. To be completely honest just two weeks ago I remember being in my room one evening sobbing, I was telling myself that I was done with this constant up and down path in life. I can not really explain what comes over me but I attain so much self hate for myself that it become extremely painful.

My stomach starts to turn, my head starts pounding and I get this overwhelming need to sleep and never wake up.

It is as if at the moment I feel weak and my mind is unable to think of anything else, the only escape is immediately going to bed so I avoid doing anything I will regret. Usually when I wake up the next day I feel like I got hit by a train but then over the next couple of hours I am at ease.

This has been a reoccurring thought process since middle school and now I am in my last year of college. I know at the end of the day I would NEVER take my life, because I understand how valued I am, but I can not help but be stunned at how powerful and quick our minds are, one moment I am excited for the future, the next moment I have suicidal thoughts. How could I allow my mind to sink that low?

A week and a half ago I met up with a good friend of mine, and she gave me a new journal, because anyone who really knows me, knows that I love collecting journals. This one was pretty special one because inside of it she wrote a bible verse that stood out to me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I know I am going to hold this verse closely when I am having a weak moment. I am essentially reminded of the power of God's grace and the way he can take our pain or struggles whether mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, and he can not only heal us but transform our pain to good. I have no idea how I would of never imagined me being able to write my  My Depression Story, or write about my current and past pain and struggles, but what I do know and hope for is that someone who may be going through something similar or even worse will be able to read this and know that God has never left your side, he is working behind the scenes and you will come out victorious. Lean on him and know his never ending love and grace.






Nikki O.







Comments

  1. love this post!

    www.jazmynsmith.com

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  2. I am so glad that you found something so inspiring to remind you how important you are! You are a joy and such a lovely person from what I've experienced of you! I am so proud of you for being so strong. (I totally collect journals too - as we all know <3)

    Alisha | alishaspinkdaisies.com

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  3. Wow Nikki, thank you so much for sharing this. I myself, at my lowest points, have thought of ending it all. I've thought about how the world would be without me. How better off everyone would be if I just disappeared. Our minds are so powerful, and sometimes I'm afraid that one day my mind will be too powerful and those thoughts will become a reality. But deep down, I know I wouldn't do it. Life is too precious and I know I'll hurt the people who love and care about me. This isn't an easy topic to talk about and I'm happy you found comfort in that bible verse, I did too :)

    Kathlyn | Kathlyn's Korner

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful and open comment Kathyln, it definitely wasn't an easy topic to discuss but I am glad I did, and I am so glad it touched you :)


      Nikki O

      herdaringthoughts.blogspot.com

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  4. What a powerful & lovely way to keep yourself positive through the tough times! x

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  5. It is great to have something to look at and to help you think at the low points. Faith is also a powerful thing for so many x

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    Replies
    1. It really is! My faith has always been important to me :)

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  6. This is very powerful post. Keep concentrating on the positive and looking forward to the future. Life is worth living . R

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Rosana! I am definitely looking forward to the future, and I agree, life is so worth living and I intend to enjoy every moment of it :) Thank you for your comment!

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  7. Such an inspiring post. It's important to have some perspective when we're at our weakest and I'm glad this text helps you. Look after yourself lovely x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! You are right, having the right perspective is so important especially in this unstable society. Thank you for your comment! :)

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  8. I went through the same after my pregnancy but now I keep myself busy in other stuffs and started blogging and this is helping me alott

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    Replies
    1. I agree, writing out my thoughts helps me a lot as well as keeping myself busy :).

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  9. Laid bare and honest, it's good that you've found something that'll help you find and gain strength during those low moments. I hope that continues x

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  10. It is so good that you have found something to give you strength and help you. Kaz x

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  11. I have been through depression myself and have had low moments too. It is good that you found something to make you feel good again x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! Would love to know what you did to help you get through depression as well :)


      Nikki O.

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  12. This post is very powerful and inspiring, it is good that you have found something to give you strength when you are feeling low

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Rebecca!I am so glad you found it inspiring :)

      Nikki O.

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  13. This is such a difficult topic to write about, painful thoughts to admit. Thank you for doing so with grace and thoughtfulness <3

    Mary Lane @newyorkcliche
    http://newyorkcliche.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Mary Lane! :)

      Nikki O.

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