To the average person it doesn't make sense. How can someone want to die when death is usually something a person fears or avoids?
How can one actually be contemplating a possible way to take their own lives? In some ways it sounds completely bizarre.
But it is a Reality.
For so many people young and old, suicidal contemplation or even the complete act of commiting suicide has poisoned multitudes of generations. I can not help but think who else struggles internally with these thoughts. Who else is ashamed that when things get difficult, overwhelming or painful the only thing their mind reverts to is a overplayed image of ways they can take their life.
I scare myself at times, because I have contemplated suicide at my most low moments, to say I have not tried it more than once in my past would be lying to you. To be completely honest just two weeks ago I remember being in my room one evening sobbing, I was telling myself that I was done with this constant up and down path in life. I can not really explain what comes over me but I attain so much self hate for myself that it become extremely painful.
My stomach starts to turn, my head starts pounding and I get this overwhelming need to sleep and never wake up.
It is as if at the moment I feel weak and my mind is unable to think of anything else, the only escape is immediately going to bed so I avoid doing anything I will regret. Usually when I wake up the next day I feel like I got hit by a train but then over the next couple of hours I am at ease.
This has been a reoccurring thought process since middle school and now I am in my last year of college. I know at the end of the day I would NEVER take my life, because I understand how valued I am, but I can not help but be stunned at how powerful and quick our minds are, one moment I am excited for the future, the next moment I have suicidal thoughts. How could I allow my mind to sink that low?
A week and a half ago I met up with a good friend of mine, and she gave me a new journal, because anyone who really knows me, knows that I love collecting journals. This one was pretty special one because inside of it she wrote a bible verse that stood out to me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I know I am going to hold this verse closely when I am having a weak moment. I am essentially reminded of the power of God's grace and the way he can take our pain or struggles whether mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, and he can not only heal us but transform our pain to good. I have no idea how I would of never imagined me being able to write my My Depression Story, or write about my current and past pain and struggles, but what I do know and hope for is that someone who may be going through something similar or even worse will be able to read this and know that God has never left your side, he is working behind the scenes and you will come out victorious. Lean on him and know his never ending love and grace.