Skip to main content

It Felt Good.. At Least For The Moment


It Felt Good... At Least For The Moment
       ... But now I crave JOY that surpasses all understanding




Being there with him knowing I was the one he was giving attention too.  I did not want him touching me and I told him that I didn't want him touching me, but there was a temptation to allow him to get as close as he can to any place that I felt vulnerable and then I would quickly slap his hand away.

Kissing. I mean it was nothing great to be honest. But it felt good because well a older guy wanted to kiss me. It felt good because well if this older guy finds me attractive then I must be worth something.

When I would post a selfie on Instagram, he would be one of the first to like it. This really got me, when I would post a selfie on snap chat and he would message me saying that I look beautiful. Then I would message back thanking him as if I did not know already that I was beautiful and he was doing me a favor by telling me that.

Sounds silly right?

Never in a million years did I think I would be THAT girl. Honestly I was always the friend that would give the "I do not trust that guy" advice or the "You are worth more than that and deserve better than him" talk. I make poor decisions, my parents have always done a great job of reminding me that I have poor judgment. But never did I think that when I moved out of my parents house just for a semester that I would become so naïve and gullible.

This thought started to affect me ALOT. I essentially deleted this guy from my social media accounts. But a void was still lingering and eventually towards the end of the semester, the void I felt filled up with shame and guilt. It might sound like I am over-exaggerating because it is not like I lost my virginity or anything, but the confidence that I thought I had going into a university and living on campus was not there and it frustrated me.

It frustrated me that I use to be someone who was good at making friends but during school I was self conscious and most of the time kept to myself during club activities or gatherings. So I guess it felt good that this "guy" accepted me.. at least for the moment.

It frustrated me that I was struggling to get test scores higher than a C- so I guess going to someone who was not demanding good grades from me felt good.. at least at the moment.

So essentially what is my point? During this break I have been nothing but ashamed about my results for this past semester, whether it was my grades or my decisions. But evidently it has taught me what I essentially crave for.  Feeling good, just for a moment is nice and all but when that feeling leaves, what then?  During this Christmas break that I am on, at the very moment that I am writing this, I have decided that I do not just want to be feeling good, or happy for a split moment. I want JOY. I want joy to the point where no matter how many times I mess up, I keep moving in life. Always having in mind that the creator of the universe has this overwhelming love and unending grace that surpasses all understanding.

What does this mean? Jesus, loves us before we sin, while we sin, and after we sin. The moment we    ( I ) begin to internalize that, the more we'll start reaching for HIM and the ultimate JOY and CONFIDENCE that HE ALONE can bring us.



Nikki O.













Comments

  1. Good times will come I promise, life has its natural highs and lows and as long as you try your best to be kind and hard working you'll find happiness ~ I hope you're okay now and wish for the best for you xx

    sophieannetaylor.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Sophie for this comment! I am definitely moving forward and you are so right!

      Nikki O.

      Delete
  2. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this! Wish you all the JOY in the world!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your welcome! I feel like vunerablity is key in order to connect with people :) Thank you so much for your comment Mary!

      Nikki O.

      Delete
  3. very insightful! Keep blogging sister in Christ!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Don't Let Fear Stop You From Living"

"Don't Let Fear Stop You From Living"
"Don't Let Fear Stop You From Living" 
"Don't Let Fear Stop You From Living" 

Someone retweeted this quote on twitter and I immediately opened my computer to start writing. I typed it out like three times because it really stood out to me. I have been thinking a lot about the concept of fear lately, especially with all the chaos going on in our world today. After the unfortunate event at Manchester I knew that I wanted to write a post revolving around fear because lets be honest I and I am pretty sure everyone reading this is or has been carrying a inner feeling of fear in their spirit.



What thing/s are you scared of at the moment? Maybe school, losing friends, the future, death, violence, making sacrifices, new job, losing a job, the list can go on. I think so many times we are focused on putting on this face as if we are invincible and have tough skin that we totally forget that hey, you are human and it i…

Family Violence. // We Have Lost Love In Our Homes.

There was a recent report from TheGailyGrind that I came across on Facebook, in which broke my heart. A mother admitted to ambushing and killing her gay son because she could not accept his sexual orientation..




I was filled with a flood of emotions and thoughts and  just ranting a little paragraph on Facebook about it was not enough. I had to go deeper.

No, I will not be discussing whether I am for or against gay marriage. Although that topic of gay rights is crucial and needs attention, that is not my main focus of this post.

Love. Family: Your Flesh And Blood.
Those words are most likely going to be repeated in this post more than once.

Correct me if I am wrong, but when you decide to have a family you are committing to going through peaks and valleys with these people in your life. They are the ones you see when you wake up and before you go to bed, they are the people that are suppose to display the first example of Love.

I think we all know first hand that being a teen/young adul…

Suicidal Thoughts: My Hope Is In "2 Corinthians 12:9"

To the average person it doesn't make sense. How can someone want to die when death is usually  something a person fears or avoids?
How can one actually be contemplating a possible way to take their own lives? In some ways it sounds completely bizarre.

But it is a Reality.

For so many people young and old, suicidal contemplation or even the complete act of commiting suicide has poisoned multitudes of generations. I can not help but think who else struggles internally with these thoughts. Who else is ashamed that when things get difficult, overwhelming or painful the only thing their mind reverts to is a overplayed image of ways they can take their life.





I scare myself at times, because I have contemplated suicide at my most low moments, to say I have not tried it more than once in my past would be lying to you. To be completely honest just two weeks ago I remember being in my room one evening sobbing, I was telling myself that I was done with this constant up and down path in lif…