It Felt Good... At Least For The Moment
... But now I crave JOY that surpasses all understanding
Being there with him knowing I was the one he was giving attention too. I did not want him touching me and I told him that I didn't want him touching me, but there was a temptation to allow him to get as close as he can to any place that I felt vulnerable and then I would quickly slap his hand away.
Kissing. I mean it was nothing great to be honest. But it felt good because well a older guy wanted to kiss me. It felt good because well if this older guy finds me attractive then I must be worth something.
When I would post a selfie on Instagram, he would be one of the first to like it. This really got me, when I would post a selfie on snap chat and he would message me saying that I look beautiful. Then I would message back thanking him as if I did not know already that I was beautiful and he was doing me a favor by telling me that.
Sounds silly right?
Never in a million years did I think I would be THAT girl. Honestly I was always the friend that would give the "I do not trust that guy" advice or the "You are worth more than that and deserve better than him" talk. I make poor decisions, my parents have always done a great job of reminding me that I have poor judgment. But never did I think that when I moved out of my parents house just for a semester that I would become so naïve and gullible.
This thought started to affect me ALOT. I essentially deleted this guy from my social media accounts. But a void was still lingering and eventually towards the end of the semester, the void I felt filled up with shame and guilt. It might sound like I am over-exaggerating because it is not like I lost my virginity or anything, but the confidence that I thought I had going into a university and living on campus was not there and it frustrated me.
It frustrated me that I use to be someone who was good at making friends but during school I was self conscious and most of the time kept to myself during club activities or gatherings. So I guess it felt good that this "guy" accepted me.. at least for the moment.
It frustrated me that I was struggling to get test scores higher than a C- so I guess going to someone who was not demanding good grades from me felt good.. at least at the moment.
So essentially what is my point? During this break I have been nothing but ashamed about my results for this past semester, whether it was my grades or my decisions. But evidently it has taught me what I essentially crave for. Feeling good, just for a moment is nice and all but when that feeling leaves, what then? During this Christmas break that I am on, at the very moment that I am writing this, I have decided that I do not just want to be feeling good, or happy for a split moment. I want JOY. I want joy to the point where no matter how many times I mess up, I keep moving in life. Always having in mind that the creator of the universe has this overwhelming love and unending grace that surpasses all understanding.
What does this mean? Jesus, loves us before we sin, while we sin, and after we sin. The moment we ( I ) begin to internalize that, the more we'll start reaching for HIM and the ultimate JOY and CONFIDENCE that HE ALONE can bring us.