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I'm Staying Quiet And Learning For Now / Also Am I A Feeling Infested Female?

Last time I wrote on here was in March. I would be lying to you if I said I haven't had anything to write, because I write in my notebook that I keep to myself  all the time. Although to be honest, a lot of the things I write I really do not feel like sharing. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that its okay if you do not want to share everything with everyone. There are somethings that are not really necessary to share. As this space is predominantly a mental health blog, it puts a lot of pressure on me to share share share, when sometimes I don't find it necessary. Now I know what your thinking.. "Nikki you preach over and over again the importance of vulnerability" which by all means I still stand by. I guess I am trying to find the balance between sharing because I truly feel it will bless someone or sharing because I have this space and I need and have to make the most of it right now at this very moment.

With every day that goes by I feel less and le…

Thank you M,

I do not think there is a day that passes by that I do not think about how you are. Have you left the psych hospital yet? Are you now in rehab like you planned? How is your healing process going?
I hope one day, hopefully by some miracle we run into each other in the future.

The first night I came to the hospital I felt so low, guilty, and disgusted with myself. I went to bed that night wondering " What am I doing here?" " This is going to be a long four days..". But then the first morning when break feast was being past out, you helped me find where the meal essentials were at. You sat with me, asked my name and there began our little friendship. We talked about each other's stories briefly, had a few laughs and in the small amount of time ( 2 days) before I was moved to another section of the hospital, I felt like we had been friends for a long time. Thank you M, because you made my fear subside tremendously. 

You inspired me so much in that small amount of…

Dear January 2019,

You were a HARD, DIFFICULT, MUNDANE, ISOLATIVE MONTH.  How could one month, 31 days be so molding? January 2019, you forced me to work hard and overcome mistakes I didn't think I would overcome. You forced me to realize that I need help, you really drilled that in me to the point where I saw myself in a psych hospital for a good four days. Those four days I am not sure exactly how to put into words. My feelings during my time there went from scared, confused, hopeless, to okay, supported... empowered?

Dear January 2019,

You wounded me and I think you may have almost broken me. Either way I was forced to pause, and reevaluate my life, my motivation, my hopes and my desires. I was forced to remember that words are powerful, especially the words we say to ourselves. The narrative I speak to myself every time my eyes open in the morning builds up more and more. If this narrative I speak to myself is negative it will build negativity inside of me that will essentially ex…

The Morning After It Rains ( Original Poem )

I have been writing more poetry lately. I think there is something about going through difficult or confusing seasons that forces out more poetry from me. Anyway, I wrote this the first week or two of January. It still rings true for me up to this point. 
P.S: I'm highly considering gathering all my poems in one word document and publishing my own first book. What do you think? Just an idea. Would any of you read a book that I publish lol ?

The morning after it rains.. The atmosphere has changed. Life is not the same The morning after it rains..  The old story that has been told has been washed away & drained The lyrics that was once sung in the storm  Has been jumbled in a new place
The morning after it rains Life is making a little more sense God's grace I still can not comprehend But I know it never ends 
A smile is creeping in Not because all is well again Not because my mountains & valleys are collapsed beneath me  But hope and grace are within reach Hope and gra…